Truth

Things aren’t always as they seem. People aren’t who they say they are. Life is just here, now, living itself as it is and letting me in when I’m ready, or not.

The other side – there’s always another side – is that things are just exactly what they are, people are exactly who they are and likely to stay that way however I see them.

It is always a question to me how to explore my life here on this page. It’s something I’m growing into and it often parallels my search for my own self. How much, how little to tell, what does it matter, what gives more to you because it is not specific and what lets you in because of its specificity.

I wrote about my sister-in-law passing, how affecting it has been for me, all she gave me and who she was for me. I do not want to explore that I found out her memorial service is tomorrow and I won’t be there because I didn’t find out in time. So I won’t tell you how closely I am held by my birth family, because I am not.

I don’t want to explore that we picked up our daughter from college in upstate New York over a month ago, met her boyfriend and she told us last week she is a few months pregnant. My life feels more out of control than it has ever been. Paula and I were exploring challenges over our years together and we came up with quite a few, can’t really say our life together has been without them and that it hasn’t given us plenty of room to grow, but this does feel like more of a punch than anything I’ve been given.

The truth of it is that in looking for the path which will take me along my journey, my heart which keeps its flight in the face of fear says I have wisdom to share, hearts and minds to open and laughter to give. So each moment I let the sounds of the horse, the bird, the look of the tree against the sky into my view, I know peace and with that a grace.

I love this poem by Maya Angelou

Kin

FOR BAILEY

We were entwined in red rings
Of blood and loneliness before
The first snows fell
Before muddy rivers seeded clouds
Above a virgin forest, and
Men ran naked, blue and black
Skinned into the warm embraces
Of Sheba, Eve and Lilith.
I was your sister.

You left me to force strangers
Into brother molds, exacting
Taxations they never
Owed or could ever pay.

You fought to die, thinking
In destruction lies the seed
Of birth. You may be right.

I will remember silent walks in
Southern woods and long talks
In low voices
Shielding meaning from the big ears
Of overcurious adults.

You may be right.
Your slow return from
Regions of terror and bloody
Screams, races my heart.
I hear again the laughter
Of children and see fireflies
Bursting tiny explosions in
An Arkansas twilight.

Maya Angelou

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “Truth

  1. Pingback: when I am among the trees | Horse Dancing

  2. dear Pam,
    thank you for your letters, your toughts are particulary precious to me.
    dear Paula, dear Chandrika, Bimala hope you all are fine
    we could understand that Bimala(?) is pregnant.
    We are happy and hope that she colud be also happy and continues her study and her own good way. Your kids are wonderful, I think you could hold and help them us you always did with love and comprehension.
    …and if you need later on a nanny, some of us will be there for a while, sure
    love Yosy, Gita, Werner, Chandra Kala

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