The news our daughter Bimala put out to us three weeks ago has been clanging and banging around inside me so much I feel like a new version of me has emerged.
There has been no way for me to express – or even feel – all the conflicting and congruent emotions that have been reeling and wheeling through my body/mind. On the one hand it feels like twelve years of intentional living to bring the best opportunities to play and offer to my children. Having raised my daughter and son in the sixties and seventies I admit to feeling a sense of accomplishment, that I could take this step in stride with Paula. However, the unknown is the unknown. There are things for which there is no level of experience and the new version of me is probably no more ready to take the next wave than the last one was. I just have more experience now, a few more bytes on my screen, better definition but no hardier, I think.
Is there joy at setting her loose on her chosen path? No, but my grasp has never helped me in my reach. What is with me right now may not be the platform of my future, may not help me see around the bend. I look for a guide, maybe visible, maybe not. A feeling, an impulse, something running past me I can follow. Something to lead me into faith, allow my footfall on solid earth so I may touch new heights in my next leap – of faith, of heart, of expression.
divide to unite
no one cell can do it
division is a must
a certain letting go,
a certain pairing and the
choice is made by any means
and once started must keep going