More About The Holidays

It’s in the air now or at least on the calendar that holidays are here. And some of us are stuck in the past. How can it be that all these cheery messages, movies and gifts can put so many of us into straight jackets of worry – we won’t be enough, we’ll be too fat, give the wrong gift or re-gift to the person who gave it in the first place.

I’m really lucky to have a photograph of our first Christmas night with Chandrika – thanks to Paula. It was probably the first time for me that I wasn’t totally self-conscious and wigged out about what I was wearing or how I looked – at least it doesn’t look like that was on my mind! It had been years since my older children and I spent easy times at home – when we didn’t go to the grandparents – and I spent a lot of the day in front of the stove in the livingroom.
Chandrika and I spent quite a lot of time on that floor with the couch at our back watching movies – over and over. The Little Mermaid and Annie were Chandrika’s ticket to the English language so our pose here is part of months of sitting right there learning language and culture.

She hadn’t seen much snow so we had a blast. Presents were not a big part of her life pre-us – Paula and I may have gone a l-i-t-t-le overboard! And we had so much fun. Oh, so did Chandrika!

It’s that kind of time I wish for all of us now. The kind of moments when you throw yourself into the snow, grab something with your whole heart, taste new snow, make snow angels, love the cool on your neck. When most of what we’re all worried about just doesn’t matter.

Have a long read, too much of something and remember love starts with us, loving ourselves. When we take the paths of our restraints too seriously we are not breathing into the moment of this here now, our heart beating, our breath in and out, our love matching and making the moment.

2 thoughts on “More About The Holidays

  1. The Ladue part of my family made me nervous at Christmastime, until I got it through my head that despite all their care for appearances, as long as it was just us, there was some part of them that really enjoyed that I didn’t give a crap about any of that (especially Susan). If others were present, the worry would resurface, but I would do my best to behave well (especially post-sobriety) and be a credit to them, and that made Susan happy, too. After I was old enough to understand (i.e. over 30), I always felt so fortunate that I had the reserve of unconditional, open affection to draw from that I’d gotten from my mother and grandmother, and to a lesser extent, from my father as well. Once I understood what a treasure that was, and that not everyone had been lucky enough to receive it, I was able both to share it and be shielded by it. That awareness enabled me not to take personally the ways in which not having received it manifested itself in some of the people I loved.

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