Every Day

What we do every day defines us. Thoughts, actions, intentions and avoidance (it’s an action, but an important one and I wanted to give it its full valence); are the mark of us. Do we see ourselves? Would we recognize our description from someone else’s mouth/mind?

We are saying “Happy New Year” a lot right now and my Vipassna teacher Narayan Liebenson says, “Happy New Moment.” Which she can say any time. Which is when we can give ourself a wish or a boost for the new life we are uncovering in this moment and every other.

Can we be serious about that? Can we forgive ourself enough to get to the next moment without falling backward? I work in paint and different colors allow me to show the history of the painting or obliterate it. I wish for my mind to be like my paper or canvas. Every moment a choice to bring history to light or let it go. Every moment to bring the color of acceptance, concealment, ambiguity or awakening of that color on that substrate/paper/form.

If I threw away each piece that did not work for me in that moment I wouldn’t be able to paint for long. If I allow myself to come back to it perhaps I will see something else. I will be different and so will it. I have to let go of being “sure” of it – whatever that means. If I don’t like anything or like everything I cannot let my expectation of good or ill overpower what I paint or allow it to direct me.

For me this new moment of painting has to be planned in that it needs space in my life, but the outcome has to remain a mystery. I cannot plan to make a master piece and remain open to the magic or gloom of the next moment – which will bring me who knows where which is where I want to be.

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